Break Like The Wind

I have a phobia.  I always lock the bathroom door door while I'm making a Major Transaction.

It's something I've always done, and still do. Even when I'm the only one home, I'll lock the door.

I also hate to make a Major Transaction anywhere but home. Not at work, not at a restaurant, not at a friend's house, not anywhere but my home field. Don't get me wrong, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go, but if at all possible, I will pucker up and hold on until I get home.

Part of it is because I really like to take my time and relax in there. I always take a book, or the newspaper with me. My wife was thoroughly disgusted when I took the last half of a sandwich with me one time. (Don't make that face. I know I'm not the only man who's ever done that.) My in-law's house has a master bedroom with a really kick ass bathroom attached to it, but it doesn't have a door.

A. Bathroom. Without. A. Door.

*shudder*

The mere thought of it just bugs me. It's wrong on more levels than I can even begin to describe. I don't know how anyone can do that. I just can't get that close to someone. I cannot imagine making a Major Transaction in that place.

I know I'm not the only man who prefers the homefield for a Major Transaction. Very rarely do you see a man in a public bathroom doing this. When you do it's the result of poor planning or food poisoning. But this brings me to a gripe I have about men who do this. Far too many don't perform the Courtesy Flush.

Obviously a Major Transaction produces strong odors. A Courtesy Flush after each and every deposit will hold these to a minimum. Just reach behind you and press the handle, OK?

My wife laughed the first time I mentioned the Courtesy Flush. I hollered it up to her as the result of a particularly strong odor that managed to waft it's way downstairs from the 2nd floor. She thought I was making it up. So I offered it as my contribution to furthering understanding between the sexes.

Sound is another matter altogether. I once knew a man who swore that he'd never heard his wife fart. Not in the entire time he'd known her. Even the women who heard this were amazed. With a straight face, Susan would insist that she never farted. It was just something that ladies didn't do.

Around here, we fart proudly, just as Benjamin Franklin told us to. Both of my girls are well versed in the game Pull-My-Finger and have been know to surprise boys at school with it. Nothing dainty about my girlies!

My wife is incapable of riding in a car without letting an SBD (Silent But Deadly) fly out, letting us all discover it for ourselves rather than lowering the window. She claims it's something about the way the car seat fits her ass. The kids have picked up on this one too, though they raise their hand to take credit for it as soon as the SBD is discovered.

The dog is another frequent contributer. Any dog owner can attest to this, especially as the dog has aged. However, this one does something new. He immediately whips his head around to so that he can check out the smell first. Something I might do were I limber enough, but probably not with company present.

He's also good at Crop Dusting. This is the practice of letting an SBD loose in a public or a crowded area, then immediately moving around pulling the odor along in your wake. It makes it hard to tell just who did it, unless it's one of the kids (they'll raise their hand at the first sign of a wrinkled nose) or the dog. The dog doesn't actually take credit, but his butt manages to produce a distinctive, unmistakable odor.

By the way, one of my life rules is The Dog's Rule: If you can't eat it, or fuck it, piss on it.

Dogs really have it good. Just the one rule to live by.

Humans have all kinds of rules for different situations. They vary from one culture to another, and even vary between the sexes. No place is this more evident than the public bathrooms.  You'll never see 2 men going to the bathroom together. Women seem to go in groups. Plus, they converse with each other. Men seldom do this.

There are strict rules about this.

• Conversation in the men's room is OK as long as you're not actually standing at the urinal. (Exception: Anyone wearing the opposing team's apparel may be heckled mercilessly, even while standing at the urinal, but only by men in line behind him. Men at the urinals next to him are still forbidden to speak to him.)
  
• Men may converse freely while standing in line, but once the pants are unzipped conversation should cease. Even if someone is heckling you for wearing the visiting teams colors. You just have to take it until you're done.
  
• Men may converse freely after they have finished, and are washing up�
  

Proper urinal selection would be another post in and of itself.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go make a Major Transaction.

~Easy

PS- I have to blamecredit Helen for this post. She's the one who gave me the idea. Oh, and did I mention that the Cardinals magic number is now 5?

UPDATE: Over at Flaming Text we have a serious breach of men's room protocol. A story about the hazards of a Major Transaction at work More on bathroom ettiquette

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